[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
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Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again