@thatdutchperson: [about to message girl he likes] Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid. Brain: OR

@SoVeryBritish: "Yes, I remember you saying" - Translation: Please stop saying that

@markleggett: A man who calls himself "Dog the Bounty Hunter" is currently hunting down a man named "War Machine". We all live inside a comic book now.

@PieChord: Wanna know what it's like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

@LOLGOP: It was Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve! - someone who believes in talking snakes