[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
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I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
“Huge”.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.