@Muath_tu: I named my house "shape", now I'm always in shape.

@kumailn: The director of "A Girl in the River" went to high school with me in Karachi! She won an Oscar! This is not gonna help w my parents. #Oscars

@archerenemy: Asking a redhead if you can see her pumpkin patch will get you slapped... It's not important how I know that...

@bornmiserable: I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in "everyone enters, but not everyone leaves"

@iamch0pper: if you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, "in jesus name amen"