Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
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My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”