SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
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*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I only treason on days ending in y
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché