Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
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“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.