SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
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I feel attacked.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.