Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
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barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
No way!
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you