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@TheHatdog: Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
@ScottLinnen: Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
@PaulyPeligroso: When skinny girls say "I'm so fat" to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
@FatherWithTwins: 4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
Me: Okay, let's go
@Sal0630: Me: Baby I know you had a long day so I drew you a bath
Her: Ah I can't wait to take it
*hands her paper*
Me: I used your eyeliner pencil
@bornmiserable: THEM: Don't you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I'm full