*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
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Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I don’t get marriage
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.