grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
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Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.