*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
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[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Who says great literature is dead?
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.