@jaibashman: shaking hands is weird, it's like "hey, i don't know you. let's touch each other"
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@DanMentos: "Hi I'm looking for a birthday card for my mom's sister" *hands you an extremely small card* "WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS" Yes "Perfect"
@XplodingUnicorn: God: I made something new. It's like a tornado, but smaller. Angel: What do you call it? God: A toddler.
@MeatloafComedy: It's been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
@sixthformpoet: Q: What's worse than finding a horse's head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!