@jaibashman: shaking hands is weird, it's like "hey, i don't know you. let's touch each other"
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@UNTRESOR: A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you're not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
@SmokeyDokey43: 1:40am. I get up to pee and step on a squeaky dog toy. He grabs a bat by the bed and yells, "Fried chicken!" So are the days of our lives.
@GeriatricBeards: [Being kidnapped] Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome kidnapper: its been 10 minutes me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?