@jaibashman: shaking hands is weird, it's like "hey, i don't know you. let's touch each other"
@fillthevacuum: I put the p in pants.
@FullMetalMommy: Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
@01CandyQueen: Bae: come over
Me: do you have food?
Bae: my parents aren't home
Me: Are they gonna come back with food?
@Where__wolf: "Dad Is that a killer whale?"
"No son thats an orca"
"Oh. Well what's a killer whale?"
"U see that whale that's covered n tats & smokin weed
@AGreaterMonster: *Flips over cards*
It was your TC in the KIK room with the retweeter.