shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
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Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
stop
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
bought wrong eggs
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat