[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
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ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
*offers Batman cough drops*
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
[montage of me giving-up]
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Life cycle of cat
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
bought wrong eggs
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
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