Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
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Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
i love modern commerce
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down