shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
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My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*