Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
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Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Growing out my freckles.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
when you order from DoorDastardly