*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
You Might Also Like
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
can’t catch a break
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe