*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
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snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
The answer is funnier than the question
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered