What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
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I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long