SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
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Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus