[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
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Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. âWhen you’re here, you’re family.â
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Iâm a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I donât believe in âaccidentsâ
Her: Iâll also need your insurance
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: letâs just take a cab
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! đđ¤Ł
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Do you think police always say âDo you know why I pulled you over?â on the off chance that youâll admit to some high crime?
âShit… Was it the treason?â
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games whoâs only job is to shout âshoot!â on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move