[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
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As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.