Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!