[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
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This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Perfect.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!