[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
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When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?