Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
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I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.