[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
You Might Also Like
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.