Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
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Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
yea so i messed up lol
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard