*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
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What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
The “baby” on the left….
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
yea so i messed up lol