@mikealfredcaine: shave your dog in the winter so he stands out in the crowd. if you lose him u can easily describe him as the cold bald dog
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@Weird_Rash: List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands: - corn on the cob - chicken wings - ribs - hamburgers - spaghetti at your in-laws
@astutenewf: Whole Foods Cashier: Do you have your grocery bags? Me: Kidding? At $6 an apple you should drive them home and make an apple pie for me.
@SteveKoehler22: For fun, the next time you have an attractive waitress- Order a "quickie" then act surprised when she tells you it's pronounced "quiche"
@Playing_Dad: HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.