@mikealfredcaine: shave your dog in the winter so he stands out in the crowd. if you lose him u can easily describe him as the cold bald dog
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@AGreaterMonster: So the Macarena turns out to be about a girl double-teaming her boyfriend's friends. Now we know the lyrics were crowd-sourced from Twitter.
@_NTFG_: In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories. I can't wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
@david8hughes: [at the opera] Me: what's wrong with that guy Wife: shh! Me: but he's tiny, he can barely hold that violin Wife [whispers]: that's a cello