She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
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Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
LOL!
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.