My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
You Might Also Like
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.