I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
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I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Stick it to the man
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
The police never think its as funny as you do.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
parents: you are what you eat
kids: