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@unibrowbeater: Shaved my girlfriend's cat. Think she'll take the hint?
@o__0Dev: Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
@DBMaxP: I'm an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
@cool_pond: replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don't touch the ground
@MrSandeepP: This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
@MrsTomServo: I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, 'cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.