@unibrowbeater: Shaved my girlfriend's cat. Think she'll take the hint?
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@Sickayduh: DATE: This place is so fancy ME: Ever have a guy splurge on you before? DATE: Well, only when we didn't have a condom
@thatfinguy: Pretty woman wouldn't have been as sweet of a love story if we saw all the times she sucked c**k for money weeks prior.
@ruinedpicnic: "Well boy," I yell to my dog, seated in the basket of my pushbike as we plummet to the rocks below, "naming you E.T. clearly wasn't enough."
@FknVancouver: My dog is so excited about me washing the car that I'm starting to think he borrows it while I'm asleep