Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
You Might Also Like
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Just me and my debit card against the world
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA