@Holy_Mowgli: [shaving legs] hang on, these aren't mine
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@Shen_the_Bird: A lot of people don't know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it'll explode like a grenade
@TheAlexNevil: Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday?? Me (eating leftovers from fridge): ...reports.
@hammbone84: [On phone with Pizza Hut] Me: I texted my order 4 hrs ago! PH: Are you sure you didn't tweet it...again? Me: PH: Sir? Me: K. Love you. Bye.