[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
You Might Also Like
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol