my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
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[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?