@sammyrhodes: Shaving your beard is a great way to remember what you looked like when you were 5.
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@Landon8426: American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took "the floor is lava" game way to seriously as kids.
@iGreenMonk: I told the bank teller that I was changing banks & wanted to open an account "Great. What's the name of your former bank?" I said, "Piggy"
@J0hnnyBlaze: "Omg, I literally just died" -people who literally don't know what literally means
@Ristolable: The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they're coming by boat. We have like three months