@sammyrhodes: Shaving your beard is a great way to remember what you looked like when you were 5.
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@smedlee: "No Kanye, it's called Coney Island." "Kanye Island." "Coney Island" "Kanye Island." "Co... ney." "Kan... ye."
@Jack_Wagon1: If you've never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you've never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
@PaperWash: me: [gets on one knee] GF: [gasps] me: [reaches into pocket] GF: OMG me: [pulls phone out] don't move there's a Pokemon on your foot
@Elizasoul80: [God creating mosquitoes] "I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces."