@sammyrhodes: Shaving your beard is a great way to remember what you looked like when you were 5.
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@squirrel74wkgn: [guy next to me at urinal] "Is that a 5 or 6?" ...about 5-1/2 I guess. "Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?" *zips up* No.
@EJGomez: [interrupts pastor] but jesus was crucified today shouldn't we call today "Bad Friday" or even "Kinda Messed Up They Killed Jesus Friday"
@CallMeDraper: Bath time without my phone: 10 minutes Bath time with my phone: 45 minutes 75 retweets 1 wrinkly baby
@mamatomy3: Me: There is a small tree on fire. 911: Could you describe it? Me:Picture shrubbery...now picture it engulfed in flames.