I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
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I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT