She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
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Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”