She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
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that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day