@RandomRamblr: She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: Coworker: These heels are killing my feet but they're so cute. Me: These ugly Sketchers I'm wearing have insides made out of memory foam.
@mrjohndarby: [inventor of the snooze button] ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let's add something to make them useless
@MattMcElaney: "...any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or..." They're engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook! *crowd GASPS*