@RandomRamblr: She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
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@numbertze: If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
@FatherWithTwins: Me: Wow, 5k followers Wife: Is your top tweet still something I said? Me: Ya Wife: Then aren't they really MY followers? Me: *drinks heavily
@hippieswordfish: 'welcome to subway how can i-' ME:*punches counter*WHY DOES THE KOOL-AID MAN CARRY A SMALLER PITCHER OF KOOL-AID 'sir-' M: IS IT HIS PISS
@PieChord: Some people won't try bacon for religious reasons. I won't try religion for bacon reasons.