She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
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*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.