She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
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I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.