She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
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Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?