[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
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PARKOUR
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
idk what he going thru but i feel him
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.