She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
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[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…