[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
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[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
My birthstone is a marshmallow