She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
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why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.