Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
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Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black