The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
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If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
(Jupiter –
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Smallpox sounds so adorable
You’ll be OK
Breaking news:
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
opening twitter today