She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
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When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
OH. COME. ON.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Cause of death: Zumba
Kermit goes Blue.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting