[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
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*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Wednesday
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.