Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
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Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Girl, same.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.