[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
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Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?